A Social Life

I recently experienced something that sent me on a path of meditation which brought about this post.

In my interactions with people, I have made some interesting findings. I have discovered that there are intricacies and dynamics that come with this thing we call a social life. In observing this social life, I have come to find out that the ol’ saying ‘No man is an island,’ is actually true. Whether you’re an introverted person or an extrovert, whether you’re the life of the party, or you’re the one who hides in the corner watching everybody else. We need people in our lives. We need people to keep us company. We need people to help us with accomplishing our goals. We need people to buy our products.  We need people to build a family with. We just need people.

Even if you are the shyest, most timid person, you can’t escape people because, let’s face it—people are everywhere. So the sooner we find a way to deal with people, the better. If you are the sensitive, introverted type, then it takes extra effort to build a social life that you are at least comfortable with.

In my quest to build a social life, I have discovered that people expect certain things. For one thing, they want me to be interested. You can’t be the one who sits away from everybody else and expect people to be endeared to you. Sitting in my own corner all the time makes others feel like I am exempting myself from whatever everybody else is sharing and enjoying together.

Another thing I discovered is that I have to be able to take a joke, to laugh at myself sometimes. People love a good laugh. Taking things so seriously all the time ain’t gonna cut it.

Also in times like ours, a smartphone with all the social platforms on it will go a long way, since there seems to have been a replacement for face to face conversations with messages on the phone.  If you don’t want to be completely cut off, you gotta get the hang of that too.  And the list goes on.

But in all these dynamics; the messaging, the blending, the joking and laughing, I believe we need to understand the motive behind what we are doing. Are we building true relationships and friendships, or are we building ‘a social life’? We have people who laugh with us and sometimes even chat on the phone with us, but that’s where it stops. It just doesn’t feel real. Sometimes, in the name of having a social life, we pretend to be what we are not, we even pretend to like what we don’t, just so we can have a certain person around us. That means the other person’s befriending the wrong person. Are we building true friendships where we can really be honest with each other in a respectful way?

I have come to see that there are times when the so called social life can get really superficial, and does not impact our lives in a true way. It only keeps us busy. In this life, we need to have people who have truly got our back, not just someone to exchange messages with on the phone. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with chatting on the phone. I’ve had to learn that too. Sometimes chatting helps cover the distance when your friend is staying far from you. So you don’t feel like they’re so far away. I only mean that If I’m chatting with my friend on the phone, I’d  like to be sure that I am chatting with my actual friend. I want the one I am chatting with to be a friend I am already building a real friendship with. Shouldn’t the technology be an aid, and not the centre of our relationships?  Which do we want more? A social life or genuine relationships?

I don’t care what people think… Or do I?

It is obvious that being different stands you out from the crowd. It makes you stick out like a red rose standing up from among green leaves. But as a result you are separated from the rest of the pack. It can be lonely when you are so glaringly different from others. When everyone else understands each other and you seem to be struggling to be understood and to understand others.

We are not designed to be alone. We want to enjoy the company of other people. Since being different separates us from others, some try to blend in. Like a shape-shifter, changing color and shape to suit the environment.
While some have resorted to blending in, some have resorted to what I’d like to call the ‘I don’t care’ mode. It is a self-assuring, esteem-boosting stance assumed by those who have refused to blend in. It is about being, and not letting anyone keep you from being. You see, the ‘I don’t care’ mode goes like this; ‘This is who I am. This is how I do things. Take it or leave it. I will not change for you. I will not stop because of you. Who do you think you are? Who are you to judge me? I don’t care what you have to say. Your opinion does not matter.’ You get the picture.

I have come to realize though that the ‘I don’t care’ phrase is used in a variety of ways. For some, it is a shield, a wall to keep other people from knowing the effect they have. For some it is an excuse to misbehave and anyone who seems to be standing in the way of this semblance of freedom is seen as an obstacle, a kill joy, a thorn in the side. And some really do not care. There are several ways to use this phrase.

This causes me to wonder. I know that it is important for me to be confident and not be swayed by the whims of others. I know that there are different motivations behind the opinions people give. Some opinions are expressed out of fear, some out of envy, and some out of one form of insecurity or the other. But I have come to also realize that some opinions actually come from a place of honesty and genuine love. Therefore, when I listen to people’s opinions and advice, regardless of the source or motive, I need to be able to objectively decide whether I want to receive it or discard it. We sometimes look for excuses not to listen to that opinion because it is true. Can’t they say it nicely? Can’t it be done with tact and grace? Newsflash, some of the things we really need to listen to are not spoken with tact at all. In fact, that person might be the rudest person you ever encountered.

So here’s the deal. I don’t have to be intimidated by an opinion, whether the person is right or wrong. Everyone is entitled to his or hers. Instead, I can use the opinions to my advantage. The one that helps me improve as a person, I can accept. The one of no use to me whatsoever, can remain with the one who has it. Opinions do not need to be worshiped. They just need to be handled objectively.

We can’t put our focus on the opinions of others or we become people-pleasers. However, if nobody but you understands what you are doing all of the time, there might be need to balance it out. Fighting all the time to prove that we don’t care might just be proof that we do care.